When I was in my 2nd year of university I lived with three other animals in a terrible apartment on the south side of town. It was barely within walking distance of school and every wall in the place was cracked and leaking some kind of strange brown ooze that smelled like a mix of hot garbage and rat droppings. We didn’t care. It was home. We partied there, we got laid there, and we cobbled together shitty betting strategies that broke even… if we were lucky.
The four of us had an unspoken rule: if you had a girl coming over you had to ask her to bring McDonald’s. You would usually just say, “please bring a bag of cheeseburgers for the crew”. Ideally she would bring a swollen greasy bag that was overflowing with the only things in the world that you could possibly eat after three solid months of binge drinking – McDicks flat iron cheeseburgers.
Occasionally a few of us would “date above our means” and court a young lass that came from obscene wealth, (let the record show that they were few and far between). These girls would hear “cheeseburgers” and end up bringing Quarter Pounders and/or Big Macs instead of the wretched meat sponges that we were used to. Yes the McDonald’s cheeseburger is wonderful when you need it, but as soon as you have more than $5 in your pocket they become the worst thing that you’ll ever see in your life.
For those of you who have never been in this situation, please understand that these evenings with “gourmet hamburgers” were tantamount to hitting a 4 game parlay and not needing the winnings and spending the cash on a night out with the boys. The type of night where you don’t care about how much Jägerbombs cost – you’re going to do 10 of them no matter what. However, most nights we only had greasy sacks of flat cheeseburgers in an apartment that should have been condemned.
This past week the Sports Information Network gave their members a big, saggy, greasy, swollen bag of flat McDonald’s cheeseburgers that somehow still ended up breaking even. I’m sure that some people were just happy to eat, but at the end of the day, we want to be the kind of chick that brings over a bag of Quarter Pounders and makes the boys swoon.
Anyway, sometimes there’s a fork in the road of life, and this particular fork came in the form of a fantastically awkward girl named “Stef”. She was a great girl who had nothing but love in her heart and a soft spot for groups of assholes who didn’t have two dollars to rub together to start a fire to dry their gym shorts. She had also heard how our apartment full of miscreants would bow down to any girl that brought them anything better than plain cheeseburgers. So what did that amazing young woman do? She brought us two full bags of McDonald’s that were NOT dripping with grease, did NOT look like every other bag that girls sheepishly brought into our crack house – they were definitely different. What was in them? TEN motherfuckin’ Happy Meals!!
You read that correctly. Instead of bringing our group of depraved wolves the same bag of soggy cheeseburgers that so many girls before her had brought in, she decided that she would be different…and bring us the SAME goddam cheeseburgers, but surrounded by fries and a plastic piece of crap that probably killed 6 stupid kids somewhere down south. So did we lash out at Stef in anger for being stupid, crazy, incompetent, or some mix thereof? HELL NO. We laughed our asses off as we played with the toys, feasted on the foreign fired potato strings, and enjoyed cheeseburgers that had never, ever, tasted better. Presentation is everything.
So 20 years later I’d like to take a moment to thank Stef and wish her well. You really have no idea how amazing that night was for us. I’m sorry that our roommate probably gave you crabs and ended up breaking your heart for absolutely no reason. You were an amazing girl and I’m sure that you’ve had a fantastic life surrounded by loving individuals. Thank you.
So the choice is yours. Did we give you a sack of soggy cheeseburgers last week or did we give you a Happy Meal? Perception is reality.
Game Lines: 3-6-1
Jets +3 +100 Jets ML +150 W,W
Eagles -7 W
Giants +4.5 and ML +195 L,L
Tampa Bay +7 and ML +260 L,L
Texans -7 +100 L
Raiders -3 P
Packers +2.5 L
Thursday Night Football
Josh McCown (NYJ) Total Pass Completions u21.5 -115 W
LeSean McCoy (BUF) Total Rushing Yards -36.5 -115 v Powell L
Jordan Matthews (BUF) Total Receptions o2.5 +105 W
Robby Anderson (NYJ) Total Receptions o3.5 -115 W
Jermaine Kearse (NYJ) Total Receptions o3.5 -115 L
Tyrod Taylor (BUF) Rushing Yards u31.5 -110 L
Jordan Matthews (BUF) Receiving Yards u35.5 -115 L
Matt Forte (NYJ) Rushing and Receiving Yards u56.5 -120 L
Jared Goff (LAR) Completions o19.5 -130 L
Sterling Shepard (NYG) Receiving Yards o43.5 -115 W
Marquise Lee (JAX) Receptions o3.5 -105 W
Jack Doyle (IND) Receptions u5.5 -117 L
Alshon Jeffery (PHI) Receptions u4 -130 L
Alshon Jeffery (PHI) Receiving Yards u52.5 -115 L
Sammy Watkins (LAR) Receiving Yards u44.5 -115 L
Cooper Cupp (LAR) Receiving Yards u40.5 -115 L
Ed Dickson (CAR) Receiving Yards u39.5 -115 W
Lamar Miller (HOU) Rushing Yards u68.5 -115 W
Cooper Cupp (LAR) Receiving Yards u42.5 +100 L
Robert Woods (LAR) Receptions o3.5 -110 W
Emmanuel Sanders (DEN) Receiving Yards o47.5 -120 L
Jameis Winston (TB) Passing Yards u287.5 -130 W
Doug Martin (TB) Rushing Yards u72.5 -130 W
AJ Green (CIN) Receiving Yards o67.5 +130 L
CJ Anderson (DEN) Rushing Yards o47.5 +120 L
Jared Goff (LAR) Completions o20.5 +110 L
Todd Gurley (LAR) Receiving Yards o29.5 +120 W
Tedd Ginn (NO) Receiving Yards o50.5 +120 W
Devonta Freeman (ATL) Receiving Yards o19.5 +130 L
Devin Funchess (CAR) Receiving Yards o57.5 +120 W
Will Fuller (HOU) Receiving Yards o47.5 +120 L
Alex Collins (BAL) Rushing Yards o62.5 +120 L
Demaryius Thomas (DEN) Receiving Yards -10.5 -115 v Jeffery L
Broncos QB’s Passing Yards +30.5 -130 v Wentz W
Todd Gurley (LAR) Rushing Yards -28.5 -135 v Darkwa L
Robert Woods (LAR) Receiving Yards +5.5 -130 v Shepard W
Cooper Cupp (LAR) Receiving Yards u46.5 -130 2x L,L
Michael Thomas (NO) Receiving Yards +10.5 -130 v Evans W
Devin Funchess (CAR) Receiving Yards +34.5 -130 v Jones W
Ed Dickson (CAR) Receiving Yards +5.5 -130 v L
Jeremy Maclin (BAL) Receiving Yards +12.5 -115 v Matthews W
Larry Fitzgerald (ARI) Receiving Yards o62.5 +132 W
Adrian Peterson (ARI) Rushing Yards u76.5 -116 L
Russel Wilson (SEA) Passing Yards -5.5 -130 v Cousins W
Dak Prescott (DAL) Rushing Yards -2.5 -115 v Smith W
Adrian Peterson (ARI) Rushing Yards u78.5 -120 L
Larry Fitzgerald (ARI) Receiving Yards o61.5 +100 W
Kareem Hunt (KC) Receiving Yards u30.5 -115 W
Tyreek Hill (KC) Receiving Yards u70.5 -115 W
Jason Witten (DAL) Receptions u4.5 -115 W
Dak Prescott (DAL) Passing Yards +12.5 -125 v Smith L
Dez Bryant (DAL) Receiving Yards +4.5 -125 v Hill W
Alex Smith (KC) Passing Yards u262.5 -120 L
Kareem Hunt (KC) Receiving Yards u32.5 -135 W
Tyreek Hill (KC) Receiving Yards u67.5 -120 W
Larry Fitzgerald (ARI) Receiving Yards o62.5 +140 W
Adrian Peterson (ARI) Rushing Yards u74.5 -115 L
Alex Smith (KC) Rushing Yards u17.5 -115 L
Ezekial Elliott (DAL) Receiving Yards o27.5 +135 L
Sunday Night Football
Michael Crabtree (OAK) Receptions u5.5 -125 W
Amari Cooper (OAK) Receiving Yards u63.5 -125 W
Jarvis Landry (MIA) Receiving Yards u62.5 -125 W
Amari Cooper (OAK) Receiving Yards u64.5 -115 W
Monday Night Football
Marvin Jones (DET) Receptions u4 +110 L
Davante Adams (GB) Receiving Yards u49.5 -125 L
Ameer Abdullah (DET) Rushing Yards +14.5 +110 v Jones W
Golden Tate (DET) Receiving Yards -12.5 -125 v Nelson W
Game Lines: 44-22-2
So obviously y’all know that these days I’m used to eating lobster or anything else on the menu that is grossly overpriced, but this week I’m forced to eat cheeseburgers. I’ve officially been downgraded from BigMacs, which I didn’t think was possible. I’m eating flat greasy cheeseburgers and they taste like humility. But trust me – I’ve eaten them before, and I’ll eat them again. The flavor takes me back to a special place…a place that every gambler will be in now and again.
However, the moral of this story is that I still get to eat. We barely broke even but that’s a lot better than any other tout service did this week on the internet, right? Feel free to prove me wrong if you buy NFL gambling picks from another source that did better than ours.
And Stef – if you ever end up reading this ridiculous ode to your generosity, please know that I still have my Riddler Happy Meal toy on my desk. You’re the best.